How to Screw Up Early On in a Job

You want to screw up. If you don’t screw up when you start out, then
you are overqualified for the position. Because if it was anything less
than a big opportunity that affords you a ton of growth, then you would know
how to do everything that’s required. That it feels overwhelming—that you make
loads of mistakes—lets you know that you took a big step, that you’re learning
things, that you’re being challenged. Little failures are how you know you’re
succeeding.
Once few things have been checked off . . . congratulations,
you’re on your way!


1.Reach out to shake an important person’s hand in inappropriate circumstances. Such
as:
while they are eating food.
while they are in the middle of a conversation with someone else in a restroom.


2.Pretend you are intimately aware of something that you actually know nothing about
and keep speaking about it until your ignorance becomes obvious.


3.Conspicuously avoid making eye contact with someone you admire because you are
either blinded by their glory or cowed by their power.


4.Speak very loudly anxiously.


5.Really screw up a presentation. By, say, forgetting how to swallow your own saliva.

6.Loiter around a group of people at a party. Then sidle up to them.


7.Then insert yourself into the conversation awkwardly.


8.Use the phrase “first-day jitters” on your first day.


9.Feel like you want to go home, home being a metaphor for any metaphorical place that possibly involves being metaphorically tucked into a metaphorical bed.


10.Glare at your own reflection in the mirror as if you want to fight yourself.


11. Attribute your first big accomplishment to luck and deception.


12.Due to fatigue and intimidation, clam up at dinner on your first day at work with all of
your new colleagues, including your boss. Like, clam up. Like, do not say
anything.

Congratulation! With these goofups, you are ready to go big.

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