How to Intimidate People

I have been told that I can be “intimidating.” The lack of smiling contributes to this image. So does having a fairly unemotional response to crises. And a default facial expression that reads as “unenthused.” I don’t entirely get it, but I have been told I’m intimidating.

As long as the one who is intimidating isn’t actively trying to intimidate, then the intimidation seems like a natural and even beneficial by-product of a business a relationship that matters and out of which might come something great.

But what is it that makes people intimidating? What is it that makes an intern a little on edge? What is it that makes you stumble over your words in front of your boss?

You could be unintentionally intimidating
You could be acting in an overconfident way. Overconfident people are
perceived as having a higher social status.
You could be rude. Rude people are perceived as having more power.
You could be tall. Tall people are seen as more intelligent, dominant, and
You could be attractive. Attractive people are perceived as smarter.
You could be a man with a shaved head. Men with shaved heads are seen as
more dominant.
You could be a man with a beard. Bearded men are seen as having higher
social status and being more aggressive.
You could have a deep voice. People with deeper voices are perceived as
stronger and more competent.
You could be a great-looking, overconfident, rude, tall, bearded guy with a
shaved head and deep voice. And congratulations, you are
really intimidating.But in order to be intimidating in a way that isn’t superficial, in a way that
is connected to the quality of your work and comportment, you have to have the
following things:And finally: empathy.

You may intimidate but you may not intimidate without acknowledging what you’re doing.
And what you’re doing is serious stuff. Research suggests that a social threat—here, feeling lesser in status—can setoff the same kind of fight-or-flight response as a physical threat. A flood of hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol makes us jittery and hampers our ability to think logically and reflectively. You’re freaking people out when you intimidate them. And you need to understand this. You need to act upon that empathy. You need to do something that will put the other person at ease. That will lower their adrenaline levels, even if all you do is say, “You’re doing great,” which will be a great relief to the one you are
intimidating. There’s a lot of power in the intimidation. And there is a lot of power in mitigating it. If you have one without the other, you’re not doing it right.

But if you are able to do it the right way—if you can check off those four boxes
—then intimidation can be a very useful thing. It can establish order (just like it
did back in junior high). It can establish status, which is a key part of business—
even if you wish it weren’t. And it can establish a clear path for decision making.
Which is what everyone wants in the workplace.

How to Talk to a Recruiter

I’ve always found recruiter interviews to be more fraught than prospective
employer interviews.

1. They always ask questions you can’t say no to.
(“Are you interested in taking the next step in your career?”)

2. They immediately want extremely personal information from you. (“So what are you

3. And they end the conversation cryptically, almost meaninglessly, as if they are either high-level diplomats at a treaty negotiation or someone you met on Match and had a weird first date with . . . or a high-level diplomat you met on Match (“So now you know a little bit about what I’m looking for. I know a little bit about what you’re looking for. Let’s see how this goes.”) There’s a lot more covert digging and discreet maneuvering going on with a recruiter interview than with a prospective-employer interview.

Recruiters aren’t only looking to help an employer fill a slot. They’re
interested in starting a relationship. They know that this might not be the right fit
but that in the future another job might come along that is. Recruiters look at
their conversations with you as fact-gathering missions. They want to know
about you. But they also want to know about where you work, what kinds of
salaries people make there and the organization’s hierarchical structure. This
information becomes part of the tapestry of intelligence they have on your
industry and who works in it.

So coming to the title of this article, how should you talk to a recruiter?

Don’t be late. It’s fine if it happens, but, really, try to not be late.
Use the recruiter to get information on the hiring manager. Because hiring
managers tend to want someone either exactly like them or the exact opposite.This will be useful if you get to interview with the hiring manager.

Give the recruiter information on your workplace that they can add to their file on
your current employer. This will endear you to them. It’s one of the reasons
they’re meeting with you.

Do not use them just to get a counteroffer. They will know what’s going on and
will never call you again. Give them the real story of your career. Be candid. Tell your actual story. If you’re right for the job, that story’s next chapter will be the job the recruiter is trying to fill.

Don’t bad-mouth your current employer. The recruiter knows and likes people
there, and you will seem small.Totally!

Talk about how you can contribute to the new place, not what the new place will
contribute to your career.

Talk less about your greatest hits and obvious weaknesses and more about the
stuff in between.

Don’t ask about the recruiter’s life or career. The subject is you. It’s OK to seem
self-obsessed during a recruiter interview.

Send a thank-you note to the recruiter.But no gifts. It’s excessive. Like you’re trying to make up for some professional deficiency.

And, really, don’t be late 🙂

What makes a dream job?

You don’t have to get all the ingredients of a fulfilling career from your job.
It’s possible to find a job that pays the bills and excel in a side project; or to find
a sense of meaning through philanthropy and volunteering; or to build great
relationships outside of work. Einstein had his most productive year in 1905, while working as a clerk at a patent office.

So what does a fulfilling career looks like to me?

  1. Work I am good at.
  2. Work that helps others.
  3. Engaging work that lets me enter a state of flow (freedom, variety,
    clear tasks, feedback).
  4. Supportive colleagues.
  5. No major negatives like long hours or unfair pay.
  6. Work that fits your personal life.

Gaga about Gig Economy

The economical effects of the recent Lock-down
Source: Berkeley College

Knowledge is indeed power, then you have at your disposal the most powerful tool in the history of mankind. I have heard many writers bemoan the fact that technology has not impacted the world in the ways depicted in so many science fiction films. There are no flying cars and very few silver jumpsuits. And yet, in my view, the many ways that technology has actually changed the world are actually even more interesting. For example, the Internet has changed how we communicate with one another, how we entertain ourselves, and how we work. Nobody could have predicted it.

If you want to work four-hour days and are willing to take the cut in income that comes with that, then that’s your call. If you want to finish work early one day “just because,” then most of the time you can. If you want to work an extra hour a day and stop working Mondays, then that’s an option too. There are limits to this flexibility, of course. If you continually shirk on your deadlines, then people are going to stop working with you. And if your contract requires you to be online during certain hours, then you can’t pack in early without telling anyone.

I also believe that, in many ways, being self-employed is actually a more stable and reliable way to earn money versus working for an employer. Think about it: If you are employed by just one company and that company goes under, you’re out of a job. No more income. The same goes if you get let go. But if you have ten ongoing clients, what are the chances that all of them are going to up and leave you at the very same time? Very slim, one would hope. Not only that, but more and more people are going to be turning to freelancers as word gets out. Why would a company limit itself to the local pool of talent when it could go online and find the very best in the business to do the job? Why would a company spend resources and office space on a permanent member of staff when it can get the same work done with no overhead, no administration, and no commitment?

Now I’m being purposefully contrary. But the point I’m making is that you will be working on your own much of the time. That means a lot of isolation, and for some people, being part of a “team” is one of the big perks of work. For that reason, this type of career is arguably better suited to introverts(yay). That said, when the time comes to speak with a client in person, it can help to be a bit more extroverted (there is such thing as an ambivert!). If you feel you will suffer as a result of not being around co-workers, then you need to make sure that you make up for it by jam-packing your free time with social alternatives.

But again, this comes down to personal preference. There is also a fair amount of admin and “fiddly stuff” to contend with when setting up any business. While a sole proprietor has less to worry about than a limited liability company, you do still need to consider things like filing tax returns, logging your expenses and income, dealing with clients, investing in marketing (maybe including trademarks), and more. You’ll need to sign up for websites, and you may wish to create your own business website. All this can be a headache and it is often a considerable “barrier to entry.”

In other words, if you’re not 100% sure about working as a freelancer, potential admin tasks may be enough to deter you from diving in. The good news is that you can take these responsibilities on slowly and eventually automate or outsource a great deal of them. But in the interests of balance, let’s consider risk. At the end of the day, you won’t be employed. You won’t have a long-term contract. There is no guarantee that the work will keep coming.

That’s a shift in the way we have been brought up to view work, and for some, that’s bound to incite just a little anxiety.

My Ahjussi (My Mister)

My Ahjussi (My Mister) is a tvN drama from 2018 starring Lee Sun kyun and IU that received both critical acclaim and commercial success. You can now see it on Netflix. The drama is a heart-warming story about a young woman and three middle-aged brothers struggling with life’s typical hardships. It offers 16 episodes filled with relatable situations and life lessons that we can all learn from.

The Story:

Park Dong Hoon (Lee Sun Kyun from Parasite) is a well paid building engineer around forty years of age, married to pretty lawyer Yoon Hee (Lee Ji Ah from Beethoven Virus). They have one young son whom they sent to America to school to learn English, and he is younger than ten years old (I didn’t understand that for beans!). Usually when a couple is married and in love and have a baby they want to raise it themselves, not send it half-way around the world to school! This, together with the fact that there is never any physical relationship depicted between husband and wife, not even one hug, makes one doubt that any love really exists between this married couple. We soon find out why. Dong Hoon’s wife is secretly having an affair with a senior executive at the construction company where Dong Hoon works, an executive who has always been jealous of Dong Hoon’s professional capabilities and talents. Yoon Hee tells her lover that she wants to divorce Dong Hoon and marry the executive, who is named Do Joon Young (Kim Young Min, also from Beethoven Virus), but it’s obvious to the astute audience members that this adulterous bum has no interest in ever marrying her. He’s just using her to get back at Dong Hoon for earning more respect at work than he has attained.

Dong Hoon is a member of a close knit family who all lives in the same city neighborhood, including two brothers and his aging mother Byeon Yo Soon (Ko Doo Shim from Dear My Friends and The Snow Queen) who still live together. The oldest brother, Sang Hoon (Park Ho San) is chronically unemployed and separated from his long-suffering wife Ae Ryun (Jung Young Joo). Gi Hoon (Song Sae Byeok) is the youngest brother who also has trouble finding work after he blew a chance to become a movie director. Dong Hoon hires a temp in his office named Lee Ji An (IU from Dream High ) who lives in financial and emotional distress daily, owing loan sharks a lot of money. She supports her disabled deaf and mute grandmother Bon Ae (Son Sook) who is unable to move by herself so Ji An often has to steal a grocery cart temporarily from a convenience store to wheel her around in it when she wants to go outside. Ji An is continuously harassed by a loan shark named Gwang Il (Chang Ki Yong) who obviously also has the hots for her. He regularly shows up at her apartment door and beats her up because she won’t give in to him sexually.

Despite everything going on Dong Hoon still cares about Ji An, and even assists her in getting her grandmother in a senior living situation that is government run so she doesn’t have to worry about her ailing grandmother’s physical needs anymore. Granny isn’t quite sure what is going on with Ji An and Dong Hoon but to her he is an angel. Ji An falls even more deeply in love with him, yet still seems to be carrying out her plan to destroy him at work! Talk about a troubled girl. All this time I kept hoping she would end up acting like a double agent and destroy the wicked Joon Young instead.

These two brothers decide to start a cleaning company to make money and at first they are embarrassed by their work but then they begin to succeed at it and feel more comfortable admitting what they do for a living. If you have to clean for a living at least do it well! Gi Hoon has had unresolved feelings for a young lady who used to be an actress he directed years ago, named Yoo Ra (Nara), and they meet up again when she is still struggling as an actress and it’s obvious an attraction is still there between them. He rebuffs her at first but you just know that won’t last long she’s far too pretty!

As we near the end of the story there are lots of surprises in store for the audience. Those who are hoping for Dong Hoon to finally wake up and realize how dead his marriage is, how it’s been empty for years, how he really loves Ji An instead of his wife, are going to be disappointed. In so many ways the lead male character Dong Hoon is admirable, but in many other ways he seems totally clueless about life and love and his own feelings. Often I just wanted to shake him out of his daze, so that he would start making good choices about his life, work, marriage, and feelings for Ji An. There was even a scene near the end where he just breaks down at home all alone and doesn’t even seem to understand why he is crying in the first place.

In Conclusion:

We have many Korean dramas that don’t hesitate to show physical relationships in “Noona Romances” (Older Women, Younger Men stories), so why does it suddenly matter when the male lead character is a decade or more older than the female character? In real life there are millions of December-May romances, so why not in television dramas?

This show is like its titular protagonist; both start out quiet, gloomy and unassuming, but over the course of 16 episodes, both reveal themselves to be beautiful, moving heroes who show us the power of kindness, and grace of humanity. Good writing, on point directing, and outstanding performances from the cast all come together to make My Mister an absorbing watch that feels organic, real, and raw. The OST, which is delicate, thoughtful, and ethereal in turn, is meticulously crafted and applied, and effectively lifts the watch to another level. Dark and beautiful. And at the same time, warm and beautiful. A must-see.

I-T-I-A Formula for Self Confidence

With confidence, you have won before you have started

“Self-esteem isn’t everything, it’s just that there’s nothing without it”- Gloria Steinem

Building confidence similar to bringing about any personal change. First, develop self-awareness: know yourself, acknowledge that there are aspects of yourself that you wish to change, and understand what has stopped you feeling confident so far.

Then apply the I-T-I-A Formula© (pronounced eye-tea-ah):

■ Assert your intention to be confident, and make a commitment.

■ Change your thinking. This includes changing restrictive attitudes and beliefs.

■ Use your imagination. Imagine yourself as a confident person.

■ Act as if you are already confident. The more you speak and behave confidently, the more confident you will become.

All four parts of the I-T-I-A Formula© are essential, otherwise, the change is unlikely to be permanent, or worse, nothing may change at all. If this sounds a little daunting, don’t worry, this entire concept is designed around these five elements self-awareness, intention, thinking, imagination, and acting ‘as if’. You will be introduced to them in small, practical steps to make it as easy as possible for you.

All I ask is that you apply what you learn, stick with it, and be patient. Entrenched habits don’t change overnight but you need to start somewhere.

Writing is discipline

As you approach the task of publishing writing, accept that practically everyone strives at it. Remind yourself that writing is a “plastic art” (Smith,  1994 )

It’s been almost 10 days that I have not written anything. Not because I didn’t want to; not because I didn’t have the time but because I had a lot on my mind. I felt as if I wrote when I didn’t feel like it, I would be doing myself a big disservice. With writing, as with physical exercise, there are some who can never seem to “find the time” to do it, some who do the minimum(like me), others who make it part of the daily routine, and still others who are positively addicted to it.

Writing can be shaped to your emotions they say though I feel vulnerable to pen down. to improve as a writer one needs to put all that they go through on paper, and that somewhere amongst the thousands of outlets, there is a place where you can publish a well-conceptualized and carefully prepared manuscript.

So instead of assuming that widely published authors write with ease, realize that they are comparable to athletes who compete in the Olympics; they have trained extensively, built endurance, worked with expert coaches, and learned the rules of the game.

When the challenges of writing are under discussion, people are much more curious about possible shortcuts to fame and fortune rather than the drudgery part, just as most people are more interested in seeing the gold, silver, and bronze medals awarded to Olympians than to watch athletes’ practice sessions.

Expect that you can become a successful writer, but, as the Latin motto on the gates of the Govan Shipyard in Scotland so succinctly states,  Non sine labore , not without effort.      

Carl Jung’s “The Undiscovered Self”

In the winter of 1913, noted Psychologist Carl Jung embarked on a process of self-experimentation. He deliberately gave free rein to his fantasy thinking and carefully noted what ensued. He later called this process “Active imagination.” He wrote down these fantasies in the Black Books. These are not personal diaries, but rather the records of a self-experimentation.

When World War I broke out, Jung considered that a number of his fantasies were precognitions of this event. This led him to compose the first draft of Liber Novus, which consisted of a transcription of the main fantasies from the Black Books, together with a layer of interpretive commentaries and lyrical elaboration. Here Jung attempted to derive general psychological principles from the fantasies, as well as to understand to what extent the events portrayed in the fantasies presented, in a symbolic form, developments that were to occur in the world.

In the aftermath of World War II, with the advent of the Cold War, the erection of the Berlin Wall, and the explosion of the hydrogen bomb, Jung found himself once again confronted with “An apocalyptic age filled with images of universal destruction,” as he had been when he composed Liber Novus during World War I. Articulating there a direct linkage between what took place in the individual and in society at large, he argued that the only solution to the seemingly catastrophic developments in the world lay in the individual turning within and resolving the individual aspects of the collective conflict:

” [T] he spirit of the depths wants this struggle [the War] to be understood as a conflict in every man’s own nature.”3 In his personal confrontation, Jung’s endeavor was one of resolving the conflicts that were reflected on the world stage within himself. In 1917, he wrote, This war has pitilessly revealed to civilized man that he is still a barbarian. . .. But the psychology of the individual corresponds to the psychology of the nation. What the nation does is done also by each individual, and so long as the individual does it, the nation also does it. Only the change in the attitude of the individual is the beginning of the change in the psychology of the nation.”

Most people confuse “self-knowledge” with knowledge of their conscious ego-personalities. Anyone who has any ego-consciousness at all takes it for granted that he knows himself. But the ego knows only its own contents, not the unconscious and its contents.

People measure their self-knowledge by what the average person in their social environment knows of himself, but not by the real psychic facts which are for the most part hidden from them. In this respect the psyche behaves like the body, of whose physiological and anatomical structure the average person knows very little too. Although he lives in it and with it, most of it is totally unknown to the layman, and special scientific knowledge is needed to acquaint consciousness with what is known of the body, not to speak of all that is not known, which also exists.

What is commonly called “self-knowledge” is therefore a very limited knowledge, most of it dependent on social factors, of what goes on in the human psyche. Hence one is always coming up against the prejudice that such and such a thing does not happen “with us” or “in our family” or among our friends and acquaintances. On the other hand, one meets with equally illusory assumptions about the alleged presence of qualities which merely serve to cover up the true facts .

Carl Jung’s concepts are definitely not everyone’s cup of coffee but understanding them is definitely something that I am giving a try.

Too old or too young?

(Girl’s name) and (boy’s name) sitting under the tree or on a beach.

K-i-s-s-i-n-g! (spell it out, more sound effects please)

First comes love.

Then comes marriage.

Then comes baby in the baby carriage!”

This particular scene in various movies & series has set the tone for this write. I have been teen aging currently and binge-watching K dramas and damn they are making me paranoid about my own timeline.

You cannot predict when you are going to meet the love of your life. You cannot predict when you will land your dream job. You cannot predict when your business will take off. You cannot predict when you will take that dream trip. While I haven’t accomplished the milestones I planned, I know my inability to meet these expectations at a certain age has no reflection on my potential to reach them in the future.

The year I turned 30, I was invited to more weddings than I had ever attended… in my life. I looked up and all my close friends had checked many of the major life boxes (soulmate, wedding, three-bedroom house, baby) while I hadn’t even started. That was the first time I felt the pressure. That year was so hard. I had to continually remind myself to be happy for my friends rather than using them as guidelines for what my life didn’t have. And even in the midst of the comparison game, I truly hated that I felt that way. I hated that I was looking at my wonderful life and seeing it as less.

While some of my friends are buying homes to settle down, there are others who are buying plane tickets to travel solo. Even though we’re all similar ages, our lives are different due to our personalities and the priorities that form because of them. Why? Because our ages don’t necessarily have to dictate when we achieve specific things in life.

When things do not go according to the timeline that you made up for your life you feel like a failure or like you are missing out. Even worse you feel that your time has passed. Creating a timeline for your life is not the issue. The problem is that there isn’t necessarily a road map for how to do that. And that’s where the problem comes in. That’s where the anxiety comes in.

But that’s the thing: “too old” or “too young” is all just part of this timeline narrative I’m refusing to accept any more. I’m excited to experience life on my own timeline… exactly how it was meant to happen. For any women out there reading this, know that your timeline is your own. No matter how different it may look to everyone around you.

Remember there is no timeline.

Last but not least I encourage you to watch this video.

Deep Work Update

Can you focus on more than two activities and still ace at it?

I wanted to update you on my experience with Deep Work so far. Sorry to break it to myself but multitasking doesn’t work for me but how about you? Summarizing my observations as below

  1. There is a cap of 2 different tasks that you can do within a single day. I learned that it’s not the work that exhausted me the most, but the switching between different types of work.
  2. Workweek should be for work. And personal projects should be taken care of on my own time (e.g., on weekends and holidays).
  3. The more creative a task is, the earlier you should work on it. I am a morning person, so I strive to write before breakfast.
  4. Stillness breeds focus. Just telling yourself to do a specific activity five minutes longer than usual can help create stillness, and it leads to high-quality focus.

That’s all, for now, let me know if you have any interesting views on your deep work experimentation.